


constant frequency

by wegotodecember (decemberkay)



Category: National Football League RPF
Genre: Blow Jobs, Character Study, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hand Jobs, M/M, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-28
Updated: 2021-02-28
Packaged: 2021-03-15 22:13:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,221
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29565933
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/decemberkay/pseuds/wegotodecember
Summary: Nick had forgotten what it was like but the patterns came in so quick. It was so easy to fall, to drown. But then...reality, it careened into Nick hard and he realized that he couldn't lie.There was a constant frequency in his mind, his heart.And it was...It was Kareem.
Relationships: Future Baker Mayfield/Odell Beckham Jr./Jarvis Landry, Nick Chubb/Kareem Hunt
Comments: 5
Kudos: 5





	constant frequency

**Author's Note:**

> **One warning:** This will be during the 2020 training camp so Nick thinks a bit about Covid and it's mental toil. Be safe, be aware with this very hard topic.
> 
> I completely blame Kareem and Nick in the training camp vids from 2020 especially [this one](https://youtu.be/qURd2tqYvXg) because...damn *heart eyes*. I also just blame the Browns in general because I'm so proud of all those boys for getting that far.
> 
> This is a random gift that I felt like sharing for the few who wish to read it and I'm sending all my love to all <3 (and also if you know me from Yakuza, I apologize in advance lol).

Nick forgot what it was like.

There was the shock, the jolt like crashing through ice from height and into frigid water.

Then the calm, the blackness of all your systems going out, the curl of water soft on your skin turning cells into wrinkles, the low thud of a heart skimming the sea floor for its last beats.

That's what it was.

After the shock, Nick fell into it like he had never left, like drowning was good, like-.

"Eh, c'mon 2-4!"

A slap on his back, the slow slide of warm fingertips catching the numbers as they were spoken. Shiver shake.

Nick looked at it, at him, at...

Kareem beamed at him, all teeth. He was meant to be in the 'Land. Kareem was all bark, all bite, all...

"You running reps with me or is dream land more important than me?"

A spin, a shake of dreads, and a cocky little teasing tilt of a hipbone that made Nick's eyes slide down the fabric seam that captured Kareem's thighs and hugged them tight. Running back physic. Built like it. Nick kinda wanted to ride him, kinda wanted to-.

"Yeah, reps. Sorry."

Kareem rolled his eyes at Nick. "Sorry he says. Making me look like a damn fool, 2-4."

Nah.

That wasn't right.

The fool was Nick.

Always had been.

He loved work. A challenge.

And Kareem was one he could gnaw on for hours – unbeatable, never ending.

+

_"Yeah, uh, Nick, he pretty soft spoken y'know but he gets to talking 'round me."_

Those words were spinning lint and fabric, silky and sticky and thick, in Nick's head. Made him so gummed up that Jarvis clicked his tongue at him. Warning shot. Deflect now or Jarvis was gonna chew his ass out.

But Nick was losing it. Couldn't think of nothing but what Kareem had said in that interview and even to the Rooks on the field. Talking. Talking. Talking. That...was it wrong? Was it wrong to watch Kareem's mouth, to want to slip his tongue in between the pausing seams of Kareem's never ending rambles? Was it wrong to watch him work and feel like your lungs were collapsing in heat? Was it...?

"Man, 's pretty obvious. Shit. Can't believe I didn't see it before."

Nick jolted back into reality, to Jarvis swimming around, smelling blood in the water. Nick watched him. Their eyes caught. What did Odell call Jarvis's eyes? Right. Caverns. That was probably because Odell liked Jarvis like that. But there was some non-romantic truth to it. They were caverns and they were swallowing Nick up.

"What's obvious?"

Jarvis raised one eyebrow. Clicked his tongue again. Gunning for Nick. Probably already eating him, killing him. And Nick just stood there unable to stop it. Maybe because he just had to know. Just had to know the answer. Was it...was it obvious?

"Y'know this league...bunch of cold blooded sharks. But it ain't like that here. Sure, some'll say shit. But Bake, he wouldn't care. Coach? Nah, don't think so."

That was the answer Nick needed.

He felt like he couldn't breathe like his lungs were getting wrapped up again but they weren't squeezing tight over the image of Kareem plowing through guys. It was something that was pricking his skin, that was making him feel like he was swiss cheese, like he was-.

A hand landed hard on his shoulder. Shove. Nick blinked, stumbled. The sun got shielded. Jarvis was hiding him from everyone else. Oh. This was panic. This was-.

"Nick."

His name came out full with such concern that he felt he couldn't swallow, like it was stuck in his throat. No. That was his heart. It was partying up his esophagus, was trying to claw its way out to reach for-.

"'M scared. 'M really scared."

The ground was a safe spot. Wasn't a cavern. Just green. Nick stared at the grass and thought of routes, saw them crissing and crossing in his head, imagined holding that ball to his chest tight like this knowledge of...of him falling for Kareem.

"I know. I here ya. But 'm here. 'M right here."

The hand on his shoulder slipped to his chest, pounded against his heart, rattled his ribs, but he didn't jolt into it, just let Jarvis pound that confirmation into him. Like how Jarvis did it at the start of games, pounding in _be great, be great_ in between every heartbeat. _Be great – beat – be scared – beat – be –._

"Hey, uh, everything okay? Hope 'm not overstepping nothing."

Kareem's voice was like hitting the water again. Except warm. Sunshine. Lantern. Sepia.

Nick didn't wanna look up from the grass, didn't want to see the romanticness of caverns. But he did. Oh god he did. Because…because...

Kareem was looking at him, calculating, but in a shy way. Didn't quite meet Nick's eyes. Maybe thought him and Jarvis were having a moment and felt like he couldn't intrude, like he wasn't meant to.

"Nah, you ain't...just come here."

Kareem's eyes snapped to Nick's, wide. Jarvis even took a step back in shock. It felt like the whole world got summer quiet. Just buzzing insects. Watchful moon. Curling heat from cracked pavement. Whisper of a grass blade.

Then Kareem brightened. Exploded. Bottle top shock. Outpour. Giddy with it, Kareem walked the scant few inches between them and something about warnings, about Covid, about-. All of it whited out. Nothing mattered but this – Kareem wrapping an arm around him, one locked underneath his armpit and the other across his neck. Warm. Heavy. Luscious. Tendrils. 

Kareem reeked of sweat, was actually a bit too hot, got too baked by the sun and exertion, but his weight was solid, countable, and his heart was beats against his, steady, and his breath was tickling his ear, light as a feather but as real as an oak, and there was just a tiny hint of musky spice along the ridge of Kareem's neck and Nick wanted to rest his nose there, feel pulse, and drown but...

"Shit, sorry. Covid. Fuck. Gonna get my ass chewed for this one."

And Kareem was gone, letting go, and everything was blacking out again, all systems go or gone and-.

“I did ask for it.”

Kareem laughed. Another numerical kinda sound. Like chalk scratching routes. Like cleats clinging and flinging off grass. Like the swing and arch of a ball just right.

“You did but that don’t meant I gotta let you do that to me! Making me all ‘yes, sir’, ‘no, sir’ shit.”

Nick’s gut swooped hot and heavy and he tried to blink away the suddenness of that feeling but god…that sounded good. Working on Kareem, getting him to listen to just Nick, just them.

Nick wanted to kiss him.

Wanted to know what other kinda things he could count on, feel, steady and beating.

And Kareem watched him back, like he was searching for Nick’s thoughts.

It must’ve gotten too quiet between them. 

Must’ve gotten too close, must’ve…

“I know it ain’t…fuck this fucking hurts, bro. Just wanna be with you, y’know. Outside all this. And inside this.” A hand over Kareem’s heart was the punctuation mark.

Nick didn’t know how he was supposed to parse what Kareem just said. He was at a loss here like…yeah, he wanted to hang out with Kareem outside of football, away from all them lights and cameras and expectations but…inside heart….was it…was it obvious?

“We get tested every day. Just make sure we’re good then we can…do that.” Nick stumbled over his words. Kareem leaned in a bit closer, beaming, like he wanted more of that and Nick was really gonna kiss him and hanging out was probably the worst idea ever in so many ways and-.

“Yeah? What’re we gonna do, 2-4?”

So many scenarios flashed through Nick’s mind that he felt stunned.

Kareem’s smile slowed down, simmered, and his cavernous eyes shut a bit, hazy. A tilt of his hip. The ripple of the seam capturing his thighs. A flex in arm muscles that made Nick feel like he was being slammed against a wall all begging and torn apart.

He couldn’t lie.

That wasn’t in him, especially not when he was feeling like this and aching for-. “Everything.”

The word flew and rocketed out of Nick’s mouth before he could stop them. Kareem’s eyes widened and his mouth dropped open and fuck, Nick was the fool here. Of course he was. Because he dropped all the cards on the table, had cracked his rib cage open, and…reps, they had reps to do. There was a whistle, some barks, and Nick was falling into the routine of it, of crashing his body through guys and rushing forward with the ball. There was pulse and breath and sounds. There wasn’t anything or anyone else but that.

And Nick never felt eyes on him the whole time.

Never.

+

“What’s going on with you and Kareem?”

A pump fake. Hand off. Score.

Nick watched it all and still felt sour.

Baker eyed him like he knew all the chemicals, the ingredients, thoughts and precedents.

“He’s looking like you kicked his dog or something. I’ve never seen a man pout so much.”

The pout. The fucking pout. It took every ounce of Nick’s willpower to ignore it.

“He just wants to be your friend like with everything else that breathes. Why you running away from him?”

Yeah, why was Nick here? In the dead of night where it was just that summer smell, of simmering down heat, and the buzz and flicker of insects, of a sharp bright light fanning down over fresh grass and illuminating him and Baker, standing there amongst it all like statues lost in the mechanisms of routes. Counting sheep wasn’t their profession but this was. It wasn’t a surprise to be here. But the why was.

Nick couldn’t stop thinking about Kareem.

Kareem had gave it his all, no surprise, and Nick had eventually gave Kareem something, no surprise, but their connection felt like barely strung together static. Everyone felt it. Everyone ignored it. Except Jarvis, Odell, and Baker. Even Myles was hesitant, eyeing Nick and sticking to Kareem a little bit more even with their practices leading them to opposite sides.

And still…Nick couldn’t stop thinking about Kareem, about… _everything_.

"You're hiding! 'Cause someone's in love!" Baker trilled the last words out and it felt so innocent and sweet but to Nick, it was so damn heavy. Not like a burden but like... _everything_.

Nick just nodded slowly as if he did it too fast, it would make it too real. Baker beamed at him. Even beneath the mask, Nick could feel the power of a shit eating grin.

So.

Was it...was it obvious?

Like when Nick forgot about the weight and tilted into Kareem or when Kareem finally got him speaking and got so damn giddy about it?

Was it...was it so obvious, so wrong?

"Ha! I fucking knew it! My two running backs. In love!" Another trill, swoon, and spin. Baker's footwork was somehow getting better. Nick watched them work and willed his heart to follow the pinpoint steps but all that scarred up muscle could think about was snapshots and flashbacks dodging all of Nick's defenses.

Being in the locker room. Knowing you couldn't get close but yearning to like a whole body shake and shiver for it. Figuring out weird ways around it. Kareem dropping a bracelet, telling Nick to keep it. And Nick did. He had a running collection of them on a hook in his locker. Bright, neon. Soft, muted. Puppies, cats, stars, moons, and aliens dangling. Made him tilt his head, and shiver more slipping one on and getting Kareem's eyes on him immediately. There was also something viscous in Kareem's gaze when he saw the bracelet on him. Made Nick work even harder knowing he had that gaze on him.

Maybe...

No. It was just friendship with Kareem. That was all it could ever be. 

Stock still. Frozen in fractal. Nick forced himself to look back at Baker, focusing not on what was rocketing around his own head but the steps Baker took, too slow, and the elatedness of his cheers, too grateful, and how his eyes flicked ceaselessly towards the door to the training room, too scared. Ah.

"You only saw it 'cause you hiding too." Nick tilted his head and couldn't help but smile as Baker froze, blinking at Nick. “Who's it this time?" Still blinking, faster now. If Nick was obvious, then Baker was way, way worse. "Landry and Beckham?"

Everything in Baker collapsed.

He huffed and laid back on the grass. Defeated. That's how Nick felt, all sucked out and not put back together quite right. Obvious. So obvious now.

Nick frowned and kneeled on the grass next to Baker. Baker glanced at him and waved a hand. Direction. Nick took it and laid down. They stared at each other for a beat then Baker laughed something low and self-pitying. Nick knew that sound, every hitch. It's what the mirror always caught before and after training camp.

"Thinking we're both fools."

Baker scoffed at him. "You more so."

Nick raised an eyebrow at that. "Yeah?"

"Yeah because.....because you're gonna come over mine for movie night tomorrow and you're still not gonna do anything."

The offer was so damn tempting. There it was, the something that would help this pit in him that Nick still found so hard to unravel. Sure, confessing to liking Kareem was one thing but…there was no space where they could just be, friends or more, didn't matter. He couldn't lie down on the grass for hours next to Baker and Odell and Jarvis and Kareem and talk and talk without the barrier of a mask and that damn worry that one breath and you could kill someone. Horrifying. Nick fisted up grass. Maybe he wasn't made for non-contact things. Maybe he had grown up into something different, into someone different, into everything inner and nothing external.

Nick cleared his throat. "And you'll do something?"

Baker nodded, tuning into the competitive edge underneath Nick's words. Was competition a distraction too? Just work harder, break your spine past brittle and find diamonds beneath. Don't ask why, don't ask what kind. Just don't say nothing. Keep your head down. But see...there was that new inner bit to himself. He wanted to pick his head up, go exploring, name everything and chew on the unknown.

Who was he? He wasn't so sure anymore.

Grass flung and Nick watched as Baker bound up into stance and pumped an invisible ball. Was that what they were doing? Falling back into routines and routes and stances, never giving anything new or petrifying much chance?

"Oh, yeah! Totally! Perfect play. Boom!"

Nick blinked, shook his head. He sat up and said, "Oh, so you do know what you're doing? Shit, here I was thinking you made everything up."

Baker nudged Nick's knee with his foot. Nick grabbed Baker's foot and Baker hopped along. Full pout and everything, Baker exclaimed, "Nick! Rude! You've been hanging around Kareem too much. You're starting to sound human."

Human.

Was that...

Was that who he was?

He was now-.

"Hey, look, O, the idiots club!"

Baker's face blanched. Nick shook his head. Fools. They were indeed just that. He let Baker's foot go and turned to see Jarvis and Odell coming up to them.

It was funny. Nick knew of course that Jarvis and Odell meant everything to one another. But knowing wasn't worth much without seeing it. Sure, there were the obvious signs. The looks, the tells, how they just knew what the other was gonna do, say, and think, and the absolute steadiness that Jarvis gave Odell and the light and crackle that Odell gave Jarvis. But it was also the little things. A cross earring on the left to mirror a cross earring on the right. Two separate beings melted into one. An echo of each.

Nick watched Jarvis and Odell tease Baker about something and knew they'd be okay.

As for Nick, he needed to swim and his heart knew the perfect place.

+

Kareem had mentioned sleep problems, always being a night owl, but Nick still felt bad. Promised sweets - _I made cinnamon rolls._

_could kill for that!!!!_

_Be over soon._

And then Nick was standing there at the front door thinking of actions again. He set the container of cinnamon rolls on the porch and stepped back down and away. Distance. It felt like canyons wide.

Kareem opened the door and Nick wasn't ready for the earnest, absolute devastating brightness of Kareem's features.

The cinnamon rolls were dusted in an apology that Nick couldn't quite muster and the icing on top was why he couldn't just say sorry because that meant not lying about the rest.

Kareem fixed his mask a bit. A habit for when the words left, Nick found. Then, he picked up the container and held them to his chest like treasures.

"Thanks, Chubb. This gonna get me through the night for sure! Go and do your thing, m'kay?"

Turned to go back inside.

And that was gonna be it.

It should've been it.

But Nick was getting sick of canyons.

"Wanna join me?" Nick's voice was too loud for the night and his blush rivaled that of summer heat but thank god it was dark. Still. Just-. "You don't gotta swim with me or nothing."

Kareem turned back to him. The beaming was back. Nick wanted to tug the mask down, wanted to really see it, wanted to taste and feel its burning bright imprint. Swallowed hard and forced in something neutral. A shrug. A look away.

Kareem hummed. Only did that when Baker offered a play in question form. Like Kareem was imagining it and seeing how it could go right or wrong. Nick felt so seen. How come he didn't mind it?

"That sounds perfect. Probably should just sit by you. Safer that way."

Nick was starting to hate that word just as much as canyons.

He didn't say anything after that. He knew that Kareem had unlocked the back gate beforehand and he knew that Kareem would follow him. And Kareem did. Not only could Nick hear his footsteps, the click and pull up of the container lid, and the munching, but the heat. Kareem was always heat, always sun.

Nick wrapped an arm around himself, suddenly feeling like he was heading towards drowning, not swimming. But his heart was drumming in that new innerness to him and he just...

Maybe he was getting tired of lonely living.

He stripped in motion, slipped into the pool with fluid grace and sunk beneath the water. Kareem had thought ahead with this too. Warmed up water and the pool lights were on, lighting the water just enough to know what he was doing but not too much to be blinding.

There was peace in the lucidity of the waves, in her stillness. Just his heart and hers, lulling together.

Cresting the surface, breathing in slow but deep. Felt heat on him and blinked at Kareem.

Kareem was sitting cross legged on the grass, eating away and watching Nick with that same expression he had when Nick was running with the ball and Nick happened to catch Kareem's eyes.

A strange, transfixed stare. Entranced.

Kareem waved the last cinnamon roll at Nick. Everything in Nick ran alarm bright. Shouldn't. But they were without helmets and masks in training camp. Shouldn't. But Kareem was looking at him like – _Just one play, 2-4. C'mon, c'mon._

Nick waded over to the edge of the pool and Kareem cooed. Literally cooed. Nick froze. Stared at Kareem wide eyed and suddenly scared. Was it obvious? To the one person it shouldn't be, was it obvious, was it-?

Kareem was leaning in and Nick's heart beat to the tune of those fading inches. Nick leaned up, feeling distant from his external self like his inner bits had taken over, switched to crazy craving and-. Nick opened his mouth and took a gentle bite of the cinnamon roll, mindful of Kareem's fingers holding it, and sliced a piece off to chew. This close, Nick could smell the icing on Kareem's fingers, wanted to suck them into his mouth just as much as he yearned for Kareem's tongue.

Slowly chewed, savoring sweet, aching for an even deeper and sweeter everything, and dared to look up at Kareem.

That watchful gaze turned simmer low and it felt like eons that they just stared at one another.

Then....

Kareem's hand, warm and canyons wide over Nick's heart. Beat. Thud. Shove. And Nick was drowning, crashing through the surface and dunking beneath the water.

"Shit! Did you even chew it? 'M sorry, 2-4!"

Nick swam back up and shook off the rattles. He couldn't help but smile and splash a little water at Kareem to wash away the worry taking up Kareem's face. "You ain't sorry. Don't lie. And 'm good, truly."

Worry thankfully faded and Kareem laughed. Nick easily joined and it dissipated the spell of whatever had just happened.

"Nah, I can't lie to you, Nick."

Kareem's voice curled around Nick's name and Nick didn't even know his name could be enveloped like that. He peeked at Kareem, saw him eating the rest of the cinnamon roll pleased as could be, and quickly looked down, willing his heart to calm its paces. He smoothed his hand over the water, listened to her, and let the reps in the pool silence everything out.

Didn't know how long he had been working but it must've been long enough to where Kareem was laid out on the grass, asleep.

Nick watched him, the rise and fall of Kareem's chest, the curl up of Kareem's hands on the grass. Knew Kareem would be warmer, even warmer than the night and Nick shivered thinking of being tucked up in that safe space.

Swallowed hard. It wasn't what safety, normalcy demanded. Nick swallowed hard and swam to the edge. He lifted himself out of the water and slipped his clothes back on. They stuck to his skin but he was used to it. Shrugged it off and kneeled in the grass. Nothing in him wanted to leave. Everything in him felt stuck. He looked away from Kareem and at the grass, at-. Oh. He frowned and plucked at the bracelet on his wrist. It was thankfully just threads, not metal but Nick's heart squeezed thinking that he up and ruined a good thing. Maybe he should give it back to Kareem, someone who could care for it better.

Nick was quiet as he knee walked over to Kareem's sleeping form. Everything in Nick felt itchy and like he was getting pulled. Kareem looked so soft like this. Oh, be strong. What did that even mean anymore?

Nick slipped the bracelet off. It was a snap shut disconnect. Felt so wrong. Set it on the grass. The stars caught the pool lights. Dizzy. A breath.

"Nick?"

Kareem blinked at him, slow and drowsy. Dizzy. A breath.

"Movie night at Baker's tomorrow."

What was Nick doing?

What was he thinking?

What-?

Kareem took the bracelet, stuck his tongue out all cute at the wet threads. "Shit, 'course I am. And damn didn't take long to ruin this."

Nick froze. Those words. They sliced his spine, wilted his heart, and he couldn't cry here, not in this strange and close space and-.

"Shit, I was just teasing. It'll dry."

Will it?

Could a heart?

Will it?

Nick swallowed hard. Safety. Strength. Just nodded and stood up, away. Kareem moved like he was gonna follow but Nick shook his head. Safety. Strength. Remember the externals, the fundamentals. Don't bend down and kiss him, don't get tucked and lulled away. Don't.

"See you then."

Kareem's voice was too thick with something Nick didn't wanna name. "Yeah. See you."

And Nick choked on some balled up, echoed words.

"Get inside soon."

It meant too much.

Was more like a wish, like a-.

Kareem was wide eyed again and Nick hurried up to leave just like last time, just like all the times before.

Just turned, away, before he was tilted back in and drowned again.

+

This was peace and Nick missed this with an ache that had been pitting out his heart for months and months. He knew he was lucky. Had testing done every day and was able to quarantine too and have a job at the end of it all. For a lot of people, that was an unfathomable feat framed in by coffin walls. So, he bricked up the pits in his heart, kept his head down, won in the name of those lost and sought those out that needed help. He wasn't allowed to ache for connection, to want to be with his friends. Hell, he shouldn't even be here, violating shit like this. But his whole job was a violation so…his mind spun and spun and-.

"Hey, 2-4, think you can tie this like your Chubby knot?"

Kareem was holding out a cherry stem. Kareem had brightened when he saw Baker holding out a bowl for him and had kept the bowl for himself. Now, he must've been bored with the movie and vibrating to say something. Wasn't like he couldn't. Odell and Jarvis was poking fun about something and Baker was sarcastically chiding them for ruining the moment but he was enjoying it. Eye crinkles betrayed smiles beneath the masks and it was sweet, it was nice, it was…something a lot of people didn't get, only in memory.

Nick frowned and took the stem from Kareem. Fingertip brush, leaning in and Kareem had hooked their pinkies together. Tiny tug. Nick looked up, into those caverns and stilled under their yawning, gnawing weight full of echoes and chambers.

"Whatcha got in that head of yours?" Nick frowned harder and Kareem's eyes mirrored that too and with another tug of their pinkies. "C'mon, bruh, gotta be something bad. You look as knotted as your damn knots."

Nick couldn't help it. He laughed. And Kareem must've been beaming for the mask and his eyes got crinkled just the same. Sometimes in rhyme and meter, Kareem smiled at Nick like Nick was the sun, the moon, the whole universe. It was damning to be shown that and Nick quickly looked down, thankful the mask was there for once. He slipped his pinkie out of Kareem's grasp - _too cold_ \- and quickly got to the cherry stem.

And then...

It was like somewhere, somehow between Kareem's stare and a perfect knot, Nick unraveled.

"Just…so much death, y'know. Thinking that I shouldn't be here."

Thumbed the rough bits of the stem, bumpy like all of life's roadblocks. A knee knocked into his own. A safe touch. Nick yearned for more.

"I getcha. Man, we have a job that shouldn't even be allowed."

Nick nodded, grateful that Kareem got some of it.

"We should be lucky."

Kareem tsked at that. "Luck's horrible."

Nick could attest to that. Most of the time, he didn't believe in the thing. You did the work or you didn't. You made the play or you didn't. But luck now? Here? In this time? And moving on from one play like the last one didn't matter? It didn't fit into how he should be thinking about this.

"But...you gotta hold on to all them good things you do have 'fore it's gone."

Nick froze.

He stared at the stem in his hands, how he felt so wrapped up like it and yet...and yet...

This wasn't a play. This wasn't him fumbling, forgetting it and moving on to the next play. This wasn't a game. This was-.

Nick blinked, suddenly realizing the utter silence in the room and he knew what Kareem felt like standing and sitting next to him all the time. A heater. Kareem was holding Nick's knee and asking if he was okay. And then it was more than just heat. It felt like the universe was exploding and he had to hold on to all them tiny good shards before they were gone and-.

"Hey, take a breath and go to the bathroom, okay?" Baker was giving him a direction and Nick nodded slowly. Right. He could center himself on water and figure out how Kareem's puzzle fit so damn well into all the inner knots of his heart.

A little tug and Nick was up. That was Baker's hand on his back, urging and helping him along.

"Just breathe. You'll be good." A pound against his chest. Those words, just like how Jarvis said them before a game, even training camp. _“You’ll be good. Move on to the next play. Be great. Be hungry. I know you are.”_

"And we won't spoil nothing of the ending you missed. You’ll get it. I promise you that.” Those words, just like how Odell always told him, _“78 yards, easy,”_ motivating Nick into doing just that. A swing up of an arm around his shoulders. Encasing those words in. A promise.

"I'll be right here, okay? Right by you. Every step." A bump into his hip, snapping and knotting those words with _“Me and you, 2-4. We got each other. Play by play.”_

Kareem.

Kareem.

Good piece.

Good piece.

Nick leaned his head to the left and Kareem gently knocked their heads together. That gentle pressure. _I got you_. Nick was so grateful for it but everything inside of him was so gummed up and-.

"I hear you. I hear you."

It was too quick to grasp. Something pressed against his temple. The words or...or Kareem's lips or…

Another urge of the hand on his back. Go. And Nick did. He swore he still felt Kareem with him even as he took the steps up and he swore he still felt hip to hip with Kareem as he shut the bathroom door.

Go through the motions.

Turn the faucet on.

Felt the water switch and blend and melt from cold to hot and somewhere gray in between. Let it sluice over your fingertips and don’t think of coming up out the water to join Kareem on the grass. Just…don’t think…

Nick pulled out the bottom drawer in the sink cabinet, knowing Baker tucked books in there for him whenever Nick got bored or panicky. Baker was too nice to him. And there was the general pit again, those ricocheting words that had sent him spiraling. Hold on to the good things. Both. He could have both. Could he?

Nick sighed and sat down on the tiled floor. It was cold. The grout was scratchy. And Baker was real good at choosing nice bath rugs. It was fluffy and felt kinda nice on his one hand while his other cracked open the book. Line after line, meter after meter, he got into a rhythm and it felt less like his brain was gonna drum out his skull and start a band with his thudding heart until…until a tiny knock on the door.

“You okay, Nick?”

Kareem.

Nick knew that Kareem would wander up the stairs and find him eventually but like this? Nick, sitting on the floor with a book on his lap. He knew Kareem wouldn’t make fun of him, that Kareem was just concerned but…

Maybe he wanted to tuck into Kareem’s space, a book shared between them. That ache that had begun ever since he saw Kareem was blossoming into an endless garden. Every moment was another seed bred from the same root. He ached for Kareem, missed him terribly. Canyons apart. Good things. Hold on.

So…

Nick did.

“’M good. You can come in.”

Forced himself to stay like that as the door creaked a little, a crack just in case Nick changed his mind. The sweetness of it unraveled him like an unlocked back door, a pool he could always use for when his mind needed it, a bracelet tucked over his wrist to remind him to keep going, and all the revelations tucked inside something simple like _"But...you gotta hold on to all them good things you do have 'fore it's gone."_

And Kareem was a good thing.

An unfathomable one.

And here he was, standing there in the open door and shutting the door to give them privacy. And here he was, sitting down across from Nick, not quite close enough for safety’s sake, and he still had his mask on and so did Nick.

And here he was…

And here he was…

Nick shifted the book a little closer and Kareem looked at it.

"Man you like all them poetry books?"

It wasn’t said meanly so Nick shrugged. He wasn’t sure why he liked it but he found it as countable as playing, as swimming, and as…well as Kareem too.

Kareem read one line and it looked like his eyes got screwed up. Nick covered his mouth to stifle a laugh, trying not to embarrass Kareem, but Kareem must’ve heard him for he shoved him gently and jabbed at the book.

"I don't get it. Bro, them's too fancy!"

Nick hummed at that but shook his head. “Nah, look. 'S like a route. You counting beats like breaths. You can see it. Feel it even."

Nick cleared his throat, tilting the book away from Kareem, suddenly feeling like he was just as cracked open as the book's wilting spine. He was missing pages. Needed some mending. A splotch of glue, a warm touch…a warm…touch…

Kareem's hands were warm, flipping the book and brushing against Nick's own. A look. A beat.

"Read it to me." The command of it got splintered. "Shit. Sorry. Please?"

The fact that Kareem didn't even have to be told. How he just got a little softer. Not the pitying kind that soured. But that core deep concern, a kind of ethereal something worth dipping into. Consuming. Three beats. Tsunami.

Wordless, depthful, Nick looked back to the pages, let the ink swim a bit before he focused, got to work and read.

Kareem's fingers never left the edge. And Nick's didn't either. Bumped together. Bumped. Rock edge pebbles sliding to nudge into knuckles meeting rich, warm skin. Bumped together. Together.

"Shit, in your voice, it's even fancier! Nick. Nick."

The chanting of Nick's name got louder and he glanced up from the page, arching an eyebrow at Kareem's sudden joyfulness that was splashing his face with bright–. Too bright. Just–.

"Can't believe you went to go read poetry in the bathroom. Pretty damn cute, 2-4."

Nick stilled. He knew he must've looked as on fire as he felt. Exertion pushed his body over the cliff edge but that was nothing compared to this, this–.

Kareem's fingers twitched. Three beats. A slip slide and Nick's trembling fingers were being soothed by Kareem's warmth.

Depths took him in. Promised him heaven. And all it took was another murmur, "Nick," and the masks were gone and they were kissing.

Honey warm. That was Kareem's mouth. Slick against Nick's and Nick just rested in that dipping in, of feeling like they were molding, like they were breathing as one. And then, oh god, then there was tasting and Nick didn't know what he was doing. Shaking. He was shaking and Kareem's hands were no longer soothing his own but now his shoulder, then up, oh god, up to his neck and–. Pausing beat. A strange, enticing lull like before a plunge. _What're we gonna do 2-4_? 

Kareem's tongue was in Nick's mouth, resting there against Nick's own and Kareem's hands were still where they cradled the back of Nick's neck. Somehow it was so damn peaceful like this even though it should've been real awkward just hanging out in each other's mouths but then–. _What're we gonna do 2-4_?

Nick dived.

Surged forward, pressed Kareem back against the floor, making sure he got laid out on the soft rugs and not the grout, and Kareem's fingers squeezed his neck – startled – then softened and his tongue – whipped – then curled along his – sucked – and–.

Nick gasped, breaking the kiss and a broken sound shattered his ribs when Kareem licked at the spit on his lips then bit the skin and tugged lava slow. God. What was Kareem doing to him?

Nick’s head was spinning like when Kareem touched his chest, right over pounding heart, and shoved him down into the water. Drowning. No. Hovering somewhere between cresting the surface and rocketing down to the trenches.

Nick’s fingers curled over Kareem’s heart, counted those beats he knew he could always rely on and trust, and trembled when Kareem covered his hand with his own. Nick’s breathing was more controlled, in rhythm. Kareem sounded more erratic. All from kissing. That was all they had done and yet Nick felt like he had gone to the universe and back.

Kareem bumped their heads together, foreheads pressed and Nick smiled when Kareem squeezed his fingers. “Shit. Can’t believe this is real, that _you’re_ real.” Nick couldn’t believe it either. He felt like he was a punctuation mark in one of those poems; easily malleable to fit whatever meaning and yet being exactly as it was intended.

Kareem’s breaths were soft against his cheek. His hands were warm over his. And his heart was a countable, trusting thing. Nick felt like he was swaying and maybe he was, maybe he wasn’t. Whatever it was, named or unnamed, didn’t matter. He just felt…blooming.

“How long?” Nick dared to ask. He was petrified of the answer for some reason like Kareem couldn’t’ve been thinking about this like he had, like-.

“Fuck, when’d I meet you?”

Nick pulled back, staring at Kareem. He imagined bashfulness but this was Kareem. Kareem smiled at him, just as real as his breathing and his thudding heart and the entrancing way he kissed. “Kareem.”

Kareem raised an eyebrow at him and inched even closer to him, wrapping an arm around Nick’s waist and keeping him warm and safe tucked in between his legs. Nick tilted into it like he did with everything Kareem did but he was still so astounded. “Yep. 2019. Saw you once and was like ‘that’s my guy’.”

“You messing?”

Because Kareem had to be. Because it couldn’t be true, that when their eyes met for the first time and when they fell into such synch that they were thinking of deeper meanings.

“I ain’t.”

It was said so solidly that Nick felt like it was a foundation. “I…me too.”

Kareem seemed to perk up at that, practically sparkling as he kissed Nick, slow and soft. But Nick didn’t quite want that anymore. It was like once he got the play, he worked hard to get it right. Pressed against Kareem, right there with a tilt of his hips and a gasp that Nick licked up.

Breathe.

Kareem broke the kiss, back to panting, and that shouldn’t make Nick shiver so much knowing he did that, shattered Kareem into something blinding. 

“Fuck, whatcha doing, 2-4?”

Nick stared at Kareem. Spit slick lips open wide to pant and eyes half slit to haze. The answer suddenly there. Given in a stem. Unraveled. “Holding on to a good thing.”

Kareem blinked then beamed. The mask was gone. In all its bright, searching glory, it rained down and Nick swayed into it, feeling like every emotion, named and unknown, was bubbling at the surface. Break the crest. Breathe.

Crash.

And then all Nick knew was heat and then it clicked. Kareem had a hand on Nick's hips, kept Nick right there and fuck Kareem’s cock was hot against his, throbbing a bit in tune to every tilt of Nick’s hips. And he really couldn’t help the tilt, the twitch for Kareem was doing dizzying things with his tongue, claiming and tasting Nick’s mouth then biting and tonguing his jaw, his neck.

A huff shivered a bite to bruise and Kareem murmured, “Damn you really are built like a cement block."

"Then – _god_ – let me up."

"Uh uh, I ain't. Wanna know why?"

"Why?"

"'Cause you like it, 2-4."

A thrust of Kareem's hips and Nick's fingers scrambled, catching on the collar of Kareem's t-shirt collar and tugging hard. How did Kareem know that would get to him like a damn lightning bolt? Curled all hot and imprinted in with a sharp bite on his shoulder. "Yeah, yeah I do. Please."

"Ain't lying?"

"Ain't lying. Please just–. Touch me, Kareem."

Barely got the running back's name out and fingers were digging underneath the band of Nick's boxers and pulling Nick's cock out. Fingers so used to accuracy and tight holds fumbled and held gently, thumbing the head of Nick's cock with a soft reverence. The meltedness of it kicked Nick's heart into aching overdrive and he whimpered, low and nearly silent between them. But Kareem was so close and so entuned into him, of course he heard. A growl. It reverberated throughout Nick's core, shaking out more whimpers and in tune, Kareem's hold on his cock switched to quick but not too rough drags and pulls that yanked heat and liquid out with every touch.

"Fuck, fuck."

"There you go, baby."

The nickname curled just right and Nick was pawing at Kareem, begging for something.

Kareem just chuckled and slowed his wrist. Twisty movements turned lax and slow and Nick was gonna loose his mind, being toyed like this.

"Gotta use your words. Whatcha want?"

But Nick couldn't think of anything.

"C'mon you all talky with me out on that field. Where's he at now?"

That was it.

That was what Nick wanted.

" _Everything_. Please."

And, god, god, Kareem was flipping them, settling Nick on to his back then slipping down all fluid like ocean waves and he was encasing Nick in and-. A hand on his cock at the base and a hot, heavy tongue over the head. _Count your breaths. Breathe like you’re gonna run a 100 and you ain’t coming back._

A hand on his belly, petting him, and easing in those countable breaths.

And it was never about the individual, always about the whole. But right now, here, Nick had never felt such focus on him, such love and care. It stunned his lungs, shocked his heart and he was trembling, knew it when Kareem let his cock slip from his mouth.

Kareem’s hand on his belly smoothed up, tapping. And Nick didn’t wanna look down but he did. Kareem was smiling gently at him, a slow kind that melted the heat in his eyes.

“Hey, you good?”

Nick nodded but then thought about it, murmuring after, “Just…never been like this.”

“Ever?” Nick shook his head and Kareem beamed. “Hell yeah! Only I getcha like this, Nick.” And that…that was the easiest thing in the world for Nick to agree to. He toyed his finger in Kareem’s dreads, tugged a little, and Kareem’s slow smile turned deadly, enticing and soon his mouth was back on Nick’s cock, tugging out pre-come like it was a perfect route.

And all it took after that was an up and down curl and suck of Kareem’s tongue, a hum and rattle, a pinch of Kareem’s fingernails right over the meat of Nick’s inner thigh like a branding bite and Nick was coming hard down Kareem’s throat.

Pull, pull and a yank and Kareem was easing back up and kissing Nick, all tongue and taste and a burning, cataclysmic sensation that made tingles zing and snap up and down Nick’s spine. A push of Kareem’s hips, a little begging, and Nick broke the kiss and pleaded, “Let me.”

Kareem chuckled. It burned Nick’s cheek. “Equal opportunity gifter, hm?” Nick ignored that and gently grasped Kareem’s cock, curling his fingers over the head. Found a rhythm and smiled when Kareem leaned his head on Nick’s shoulder, groaning into his ear and making Nick shiver. “Like that. Rougher. Don’t be ‘fraid, baby.” A suck of his ear lobe, a roll of teeth, bite, and he whimpered, listening to the double toned direction. He tightened his grip just a little, dragged his hand quick and rough just like Kareem asked for. Kareem leaned into him even more, rippling his mouth down and cresting over Nick’s shoulder, gently biting into seam.

“Kareem.” Nick couldn’t help it. He was practically whimpering Kareem’s name, breathy. He had just come but he felt like he was gonna ask for more and that he wouldn’t stop begging for it until he was nothing but atoms held in Kareem’s wonderful, so fucking capable hands.

A hum. Another bite on his shoulder. T-shirt seam wet. A praise whispered into threads and burned down to brand heart. “So good, baby. Little bit more.”

It wasn’t a shock that Kareem was talky and Nick couldn’t even string together a single thought nor words nor anything but this – the wet sound of his hand on Kareem’s cock, the stinging sound of rustling clothing as Kareem leaned into him, arched back, and then back in, Kareem’s heavy breathing that sounded more like panting, and the damning whimpers that kept tumbling out of Nick’s mouth and then, the, god, the _begging_ , just-. “Come on me. Please.”

Kareem picked his head up. Stared at Nick. All wide-eyed.

Nick’s hand stilled and Kareem pressed their foreheads together. “Real shit?”

Nick swallowed hard. He wasn’t gonna say it again. Kareem couldn’t make him, couldn’t-. Kareem snuck his hands up underneath Nick’s shirt, palming Nick’s belly as he went. Rolled and rolled until Nick’s shirt was tucked up underneath his armpits. Another look. Less wide-eyed. More, _‘never stop looking at me, baby’_ and Nick nodded, gasping out Kareem’s name as Kareem rutted his cock against Nick’s belly. It was hot like a fucking brand, getting painted in pre-come.

Nick’s fingers were finally free and he instinctively grabbed the back of Kareem’s shirt, balled it up, and pleaded for it, for-. Kareem came hard with a gravelly groan. It pooled over the head of his cock, dribbled on to Nick’s belly and down. Just before the drops hit Nick’s jeans, Nick let go of Kareem’s shirt and dragged his fingers through the excess. Stared at Kareem just like he did with that treat and tasted a different kinda dessert. Wanted it to be Kareem’s fingers. Next time. Sucked and rolled his tongue and Kareem shook against him.

“Fuck, put them eyes away and quit sucking so damn loud. Gonna make me wanna go again.” Nick raised an eyebrow at that. What made Kareem think he wouldn’t ever want that? Kareem chuckled and warm hands cupped Nick’s jaw. Nick stilled under the grace, the sweetness of it, and then he jerked when Kareem shattered reality over them. “Can’t fuck you in Baker’s bathroom, baby.”

Oh.

Right.

Nick blinked.

The haze dissipated too quick but Kareem was quick to shush him. “Ain’t nothing to clean up. Just gotta put your game face on, baby.”

Okay.

Nick could do that. He was used to schooling his expression. Still, he would have to find a way to apologize to Baker and make up for this.

A thumb over his jaw and Nick leaned in, kissing Kareem, and opening his mouth for Kareem’s damning tongue. Kareem had licked him up, got him clean, and all Nick had to do was pretend that he didn’t just get shattered, put back together, and then shot through the stratosphere. Easy. Maybe.

Nick broke the kiss and just stared at Kareem. Kareem had that expression on, the one where he was sussing Nick out, and now Nick knew the undertones of it, the heavy heat of it. This was Kareem loving what he was looking at. This was Kareem looking at Nick like Nick was the best damn gift the universe could ever give him. Better than the suns and moons and stars.

Nick wrapped his arms around Kareem’s neck and breathed easy, lulled, as Kareem tucked Nick’s cock away, zipped his jeans for him, and rolled his shirt down. Nick kinda liked it, having Kareem take over and focus on him, just them.

Nick realized he could sleep like this, in the soft warmth of Kareem’s hold. A hand on his back, not urging him to go but to stay. Nick shut his eyes. He didn’t wanna crest the surface, didn’t wanna look out to the shore where reality waited. Wanted to stay here. But…

“Come over tonight.” Kareem whispered it against Nick’s temple, pressed a kiss there, and Nick nodded before he began to overthink it. This was a good thing. Had to hold on to what he could get. Had to go back to reality eventually.

Another sway, a kiss, and Nick finally unstuck himself from Kareem’s hold. Kareem stayed back for a few seconds to make it less suspicious even though Nick was sure it was obvious but…

Washed his hands, pulled his mask back on, schooled his expression and headed downstairs. He followed the sounds of the T.V. in the living room and found only Baker sat on the couch. “Where's Odell and Jarvis?"

Baker sighed, full on pouting at the T.V. or well, Nick could only guess but he was probably right. And it would’ve been cute if it wasn’t so obvious. Nick wondered what happened out on that field, if anything did. How Jarvis and Odell looked as they teased Baker about throwing late at night, how lightened they all look together under the backdrop of buzzing summer. Maybe this pit…this ache…was also because they were all suffering, having to be not as close as they wanted to be. Holding on to good things. How could they all do that? Nick frowned and sat down next to Baker.

Baker finally looked at him. A goofy glint to his eyes. That soothed a bit of Nick’s worries. Whatever happened wasn’t bad, he was sure of it. He wondered if they held on to the good things like he and Kareem did. He shifted a bit, thinking back to that, already feeling like the heat was coming around to drown him again. His lips surely looked as sore as they felt. And Baker was looking at him curiously with each passing moment of silence. Nick cleared his throat and looked down at his hands, focusing on the knuckles and scratches and not what they just held, what they just caused.

"They were sorely disappointed in the lack of popcorn." Nick raised an eyebrow at that and Baker sighed. "I shouldn't have let them go alone...right."

Nick just shook his head, already wondering how many stores Baker would have to apologize to after this. But that wonder quickly fell to something far more interesting. With how Baker was looking at him, curiously and in echo, Nick had a feeling but he wanted to hear Baker say it. "What did happen on the field last night?"

Baker quieted and turned away. A telling clue if there was any. Baker didn't hide shit well. Only when he was passing a football did he seem like fluid cement. "Uh...nothing. Just the...uhh... typical talk between bros."

Nick hummed.

Baker threw his hands up. "Fine! Fine! We talked about it. Nothing concrete but I was just...shocked that they were even cool with trying it."

Nick couldn’t help it. He smiled and nudged Baker’s shoulder. Baker shoved him but Nick just laughed it off. "Not surprised, Baker. It’s always been you three.”

"Yeah? Like how I'm not surprised you and Kareem did it in my house?!"

Nick froze.

Oh.

So it was obvious just like how he liked Kareem, maybe even how Kareem liked him back. Were those the curious looks? The undertones, the routes and fundamentals?

Heat and then a familiar laugh that he knew how it tasted and felt and-. Kareem had wandered in, full on laughing and Nick knew he must’ve been burning with how absolutely proud Kareem looked. It was a damning kind of confidence like the tilt of a hipbone, the strength in a thigh as it ran and made a play.

"Ah! He gotchu! Read it all on your face, 2-4!"

Nick blinked back into reality, shaking off those thoughts, and shoved Kareem but Kareem gave him that smile and Nick couldn't help it, smiling back just as easy.

"Oh damn. Never mind. Keep hooking up in my house if it means you're that happy, Nick."

And Nick was blushing again.

But a hand curled over his head, a kiss on his temple and Nick was no longer embarrassed but fucking melted and could you blame him? He tilted into Kareem's touch and was happy to find Kareem sitting next to him.

"Anyway 'nough 'bout my magical prowess. What's this 'bout the quarterback and his two receivers?" Baker immediately clammed up and Kareem cackled. "You thinking we don't got eyes? Shit, man. Just 'fess up!"

"Uh...oh would you look at that?? It's been three hours. Time for you two to go!"

Nick wanted to refute that, to say that this was a good thing and he should keep holding on. But Kareem was gently showing him he could be safe and have good things. Couldn't have movie nights all the time obviously but once in a blue moon just to hold on. And when all this was better, he could build off what was remembered, what was clutched, saved.

Nick nodded and stood. "Be seeing you, Baker."

Baker smiled beneath the mask and held out his fist. Nick fist bumped him back and headed for the front door. When heat didn't come with him, he glanced back at Kareem speaking to Baker. They were quiet but Nick picked it up.

"Still, 'm real sorry, Baker. I'll make it up to you."

"Nah, it's cool. You guys are happy. Just...do I have to clean the bathroom too?"

Kareem laughed. "You really want deets on clean up, 6?"

Baker blanched. "Never mind! Just go already before I vomit!"

Kareem shook his head, held out his fist, and all was good as Baker bumped him back. A final goodbye and Kareem and Nick were once again hip to hip as they left.

And when they paused outside the shut front door, Nick felt less like there were canyons and more like there was a bridge. Shaky at best and not always there but a bridge nonetheless.

Pinkies hooked.

A promise made.

Inside all this.

And _everything_.

+

Nick was curious and the night was lulling and Kareem was soft and warm around him so he sent out a connection to Odell.

_What was the ending to the movie?_

_kid finally swam_

Nick smiled, shaking his head. _Met up with his old friend and everything too?_

_shut the fuck up x_

Another telling sign. Nick sent a quick congrats to Jarvis, knowing he wouldn't get anything back tonight and happily curled back into Kareem's arms.

Counted shifts.

Breaths.

Beats.

And then...

Swam.


End file.
